Treasure Planet Gets Spoofed
by Elfzilla
Summary: This is what would happen if I were in charge of writing the script of Treasure Planet. Includes: Naughty language, massive amounts of injuries, slashy spiders and general retardness. If you're offended by such things...then you smell funny.
1. Child Abuse

**Young Jim:** R_eading his story book_ "Muahaha! I'm too smart to be three years old."

**Sarah:** "Jim! You snotty nosed bugger! Why are you still awake?"

**Young Jim:** "Shut the hell up, crone!"

**Sarah:** "You little prat!" S_tarts choking Young Jim _

**Young Jim:** "GAAACK! AAAACK!"

_

* * *

10 Years Later_

**Jim:** _Riding his Solar Surfer_ "WHEEEEEEEEE!"

**Robo Cops:** "You have the right to be silent."

**Jim:** "I choose to waive that right. BLAAAAHAAAA!"

_The Benbow Inn_

**Mrs Dunwoodie:** "Missus Hawkins!"

**Sarah:** _Sighs_ "I know, Missus Diddily-"

**Mrs Dunwoodie:** "Missus DUNWOODIE, Sarah!"

**Sarah:** "Whatever. Hullo Delbert!"

**Delbert:** "What's hanging, Homie-G?"

**Sarah:** "Delbert, that got old three months ago."

**Delbert:** "Pfft! You're just so jealous that I'm cooler than you!" _Arranges cutlery._

**Cops:** _Burst in through the front door._ "Missus Hawkins"

**Sarah:** "JIM! YOU LITTLE ASS MONKEY!" _Throws a plate at him._

**Jim:** "OUCH! FUCK, MOM!"

**Sarah:** _Starts choking Jim. _

**Jim:** "AAAAACK! GAAAAAAAACK!"

_Outside _

_Space craft crashes _

**Jim:** _Points and laughs._

**Billy Bones:** "Shut up! Haaack! Cooough!"

**Jim:** "Got a summer cold?"

**Billy:** "Nah...took a Viagra and it got stuck in me throat."

**Jim:** "Ew!"

**Billy:** "I'm choooking! Gaaaaah!"

**Jim:** _Helps Billy._

_Benbow Inn _

**Delbert and Sarah:** _Making out._

**Jim: **_Walks in._ "HOLY MOTHER OF GAWD!"

**Sarah:** "JIM! Do you ever knock? You can keep it, only if you clean up after it..."

**Jim:** "MOM! He's hurt!" _Drops Billy._

**Billy: **"OUCH!"

**Jim:** "Sorry man, but you're really heavy."

**Billy:** "COUGH! HACK!"

**Delbert:** "Do you need a glass of water of something?"

**Billy:** "Gaaack! Cooough!"

**Delbert:** "Gawd, COVER YOUR MOUTH OR WE'RE ALL GONNA CATCH IT!"

**Jim:** "Delbert! He's choking on a Viagra and he's carrying this wierd little chest that's sure gonna create a plot twist!"

**Billy:** "He'll be a comin' soon!" _Opens chest and throws the package at Jim._

**Jim:** _Gets hit in the eye._ "OUCH!"

**Billy:** "That's for droppin' me, boy! GAAAAAACK!" _Croaks._

**Sarah:** "Ew."

**Pirates:** _Kick open the door._ "Here's JOHNNY!"

**Delbert:** "C'mon!" _Runs up the stairs._

**Sara and Jim:** _Follow._

**Delbert:** _Shoves Jim and Sarah out the window._

**Delilah:** "NARF!"

**Delbert:** "HYA! HYA!"


	2. Jim's Constant Injuries

_Delbert's House _

**Delbert:** "The old Benbow Inn has burned to the ground Sarah. I'm sorry."

**Sarah:** "NOT AS SORRY AS THIS LIL' LEECH SHOULD BE!" _Throws a candlestick at Jim's head._ "He brought home his little pet while it's Masters could have had it back, but noooo."

**Jim:** "I'm so abused. Mom, I wanna go out to sea for no apparent reason!"

**Sarah:** "The Hell you will!" _Starts choking Jim. _

**Jim:** "ACK! ACK!" _Pounds map on Sarah's head and it mysteriously opens. _

**Delbert:** "Ooh! Matrix lighting! Look! Treasure Planet!"

**Jim:** "Ooh!"

**Sarah:** "Aah!"

**Delbert:** _Farts._

**Sarah:** "Ew!"

**Delbert:** "Scuse me. Now, Lookit! Here's where we are; so let's go to the moon shaped space port!"

**Sarah:** "Look! It's _MOON_ing us! HAW HAW HAW!"

**Jim:** "Mum, you are SO lame."

**Sarah:** "Fine. GO OFF AND CATCH THE SPACE-SCURVY!"

**Jim:** "Wheee!"

**Delbert:** "I'm going with you!"

**Jim:** "SHIT-PISS!"

_Montressor Space Port _

**Delbert:** _Clunking around in his metal suit. _

**Jim:** "Delbert, you are SO cramping my style."

**Delbert:** _Sneezes, causing boogers to be plastered on the inside of his helmet._

**Jim:** _Rolls eyes and boards the RLS Legacy._

**Arrow:** "SCROOP! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!"

**Delbert:** "How's the ship, mon captaine?"

**Arrow:** "SPIFFY! I'm not the captaine, though."

**Amelia:** _Jumps down from the crow's nest._

**Delbert:** _Grins and starts screaming. _"MY PANTS ARE FEELING TIGHTER, MOMMY!"

**Amelia:** _Grabs Delbert's face._ "I want a word with you in my office."

**Jim:** _Is severely disturbed._

_Amelia's Cabin _

**Amelia:** "Haw haw haw! I'm gonna use all these big words so the parent's of little kids will be talking through the whole movie!"

**Delbert:** _Shouts to all the kids in the audience._ "SHUT UP OR I'LL EAT YOUR HEARTS!"

**Kids in the audience:** "..."

**Jim:** _Laughs evilly and pisses himself._

**Amelia:** "Ew. Anyhoo, Dogface, keep the word of the map only to yourselves."

**Delbert:** "RIGHT-O, CATBREATH!"

**Jim:** "Ash hoe."

_Galley _

**Arrow:** "Mister Silver?"

**Silver:** "GET OUTTA ME KITCHEN! I'm applyin' me...medicine."

**Arrow:** "Silver, masturbating ten times a day does not count as a medical condition."

**Jim and Delbert:** "..."

**Silver:** "Oy then!" _Zips pants back up._ "Who's these two distinguised lookin' gents, eh?"

**Delbert:** "I'm Doctor Delbert Doppler!"

**Silver:** _Surveys him with mechanical eye._ "Nice boxers, Doc."

**Delbert:** _Pushes Jim forward._

**Jim:** _Falls flat on his face._ "Ow. I think I broke my nose."

**Silver:** _Slices Jim's hand off when trying to shake his hand._

**Jim:** "FUCKSHITASSCOCKWHORE!"

**Silver:** "Sorry, lad. Here, have a taste of me stew!" _Tosses Jim a bowl._

**Jim:** _Gets splashed in the face by steaming hot stew._ "GAAAH!"

**Silver:** "Here, Lemme mop that up for ya!" _Rubs Jim's eye with a towel. _

**Jim:** "OUCH! THAT ONE HAS LEMON JUICE ON IT! ACK!"

**Silver:** "Suck it up, Jimbo! Gawd, whatta wimp."

_On Deck_

**Silver:** "Aaaaah, Captm'! You look like a two dollar whore that's just been sat on by a 500 lb fish."

**Amelia:** _Bats eyes._ "You really think so?"

**Silver:** _Tosses a mop and bucket to Jim._

**Jim:** _Gets poked in the eye by the mop._ "WAAAAAA!"

**Silver:** "This just ain't me day." _Sighs_


	3. Everyone wants a piece of Jimbo

**Jim:** _Mopping the deck._

**Scroop:** "WHEE!" _Jumps down from sails and falls flat on face ._

**Jim:** "Are you okay?"

**Scroop:** "Yeah." _Gets heart eyes and begins to hump Jim's leg. _

**Jim: "**GAAAAH! GEROFF!" _Starts whacking Scroop with mop. _

**Silver:** _Grabs Scroop's wrist with mechanical arm._ "Back off then. Jim's my bitch."

**Jim:** _Whimpers. _

**Arrow:** "What's all this then? No humping allowed!"

**Scroop:** _Eyes fall._ "Yes, Mister Arrow." _Walks off. _

**Arrow and Pirate Crew:** _Walks away too._

**Silver:** "Jimbo! I gave you a job!"

**Jim:** "Yeah and Scroop left this white mess on my leg..."

**Silver:** "Ew." _Turns to Morph_ "Morphy-doodle-poo, Keep an eye on this pup!"

**Jim:** "That reminds me of a song from _Chicago_." _Starts singing_ "Sometimes I'm down...Sometimes I'm up...but he follows round like some droopy eyed pup...He loves me so..."

**Silver:** _Gets a boner with a comical 'SPRIOIOIOIOING' sound._

**Jim:** _Looks down. _

**Silver:** "Whoops. Scuse me then, Jimbo, while I go apply my-ahem-medicine..." _Runs off._

**Morph:** "Apply medicine!"

_Later that night, back on the deck _

**Silver:** _Throws Jim's fan girls overboard._

**Fangirls:** "Wheeee!"

**Jim:** "IT TOOK YOU THAT LONG TO APPLY YOUR MEDICINE?"

**Silver:** _Looks around._ "Well they don't call me LONG John Silver fer nothin', Jimbo."

**Jim:** "Erm...what you did to make Scroop get off my leg...thanks..."

**Silver:** "You mean yer pop never taught ya how to get a big Spider to stop humpin' yer leg?"

**Jim:** "No."

**Silver:** "Not the teachin' sort?"

**Jim:** "He's the more...stable father figure, so my Mom booted him outta the house cause she liked throwing things at me."

**Silver:** "Oh, sorry lad."

**Jim:** "I've been doing okay though."

**Silver:** "Is that so? Well, since the Captm' has put ya with me, I'll be teachin' ya a few tricks. Now...have you ever heard of a dirty sanchez?"

_In The Sleeping Quarters _

**Scroop:** _Snickers. _

**Jim:** _Wakes up._ "GAH! STOP PRODDING THAT INTO MY PANTS!" _Runs away._

**Scroop:** _Chases him. _

**Jim:** _Runs into the Galley and hides in a barrel of perps. _

**Scroop:** _Looks around, wondering where Jim is._

**Silver:** _Walks in with the rest of the crew._ "Now, gentleman. I have heard all of yeh want a piece of me bitch before we land on Treasure Planet."

**Mister Onus:** "We can't help it, Sir. He's just so firm."

**Jim:** _Gasps. He won't be able to screw anyone else except a senile, old, obese alien. _

**Silver:** _Swings sword around._ "FUCKSHITASSCOCKWHORE!"

**Crew:** _Shivers, worried Silver will make another random swear word._


	4. Strike The Colours

_Galley _

**Jim:** W_himpers. _

**Random Pirate:** "LAND AHOY! There it is! Treasure Planet!"

**Pirates:** _Runs out of the galley and onto the deck. _

**Jim:** _Crawls out of barrel and stumbles around._

_On Deck _

**Silver:** _Feels around in pocket and pulls out a little package. _"Whoops. Me medicine."

**Onus:** "You mean lube?"

**Silver:** _Slaps Onus and looks in pocket for spyglass._ "Musta left it in the galley." _Walks off._

_Galley _

**Jim:** _Spots spyglass, tries to run out but slips._ "OUCH! Ew. Silver must have been applying his medicine last night."

**Silver:** _Walks in._ "Jimbo. Playin' games...are we?"

**Jim:** "EW! I am not your sweet baboo!" _Runs away and stabs Silver's leg as he goes. _

**Silver:** "AAAAARRRGGGGHHH!" _Hobbles around. _

_On Deck _

**Silver:** _Looks for Jim and spots him going into Amelia's cabin._ "Blast it all." _Blows whistle and shifts gears in arm. _

**Crew:** _Stares at what came out of his arm._

**Silver:** "Whoops...only for lonely nights, folks." _Switches to sword._ "STRIKE OUR COLOURS, MISTER ONUS!"

**Onus:** "Only if I get to use your-" _Raises eyebrow._

**Silver:** _Sighs._ "Fine. Fine. NOW FLY DAT JOLLY ROGA'!"

**Onus:** _Switches flags. _"WHEEEEEE!"

**Crew:** _Is trying to melt the lock on the Captain's door._

**Silver:** "Blast it! T'is is takin' as long as a 30 foot shit comin' out of an ant's asshole." _Blasts open the door and walks in. _

**Onus:** "They ain't here, Captain."

**Silver:** "One sec." _Runs outside to looks triumphant in front of The Jolly Roger. _

**Crew:** "Very nice, sir."

**Silver:** _Pulls down trousers and moons everyone._ "WHOOO!"

_In The Boat Storage _

**Amelia:** "LOOKIT ME, I'M SANDRA DEE!" _Does a bunch of flips._

**Delbert:** "I think I could use some of Silver's medicine right about now..." _Looks Amelia up and down. _

**Morph:** _Pulls map out of Jim's pocket and flies away. _

**Jim:** "MORPH! NO! YOU BUGGER!" _Jumps out of the boat and runs after him. _

**Morph:** "HWAHAHAHA!"

**Silver:** "Morphy, come here, boy!" _Whistles. _

**Jim:** "Morph, come here!"

**Morph:** _Bursts into a million little pieces and will not return in this story. _

**Silver:** "Ah, well. He was annoyin'."

**Jim:** _Grabs map and jumps out of the ship, but misses boat._ "Oh Bloody Hell." _Falls on a rock, fractures wingy then screams a bad cuss word. _

**B.E.N.: "**Did I just hear a 15 year old male break his penis?" _Starts to hump Jim. _

**Jim:** "GEROFF! Geez, why does everyone love me?"

**Jim's Fangirls:** "Well, you have nice hair, a sexy voice-"

**Jim:** "Okay, okay, I get it."


	5. BEN's House Party

**Jim:** "Where are we anyway?"

**B.E.N.:** "Treasure Planet. Duh!"

**Jim:** "I already knew that but is there, like, a resturant or something nearby? I've got the munchies."

**B.E.N.:** "POTHEAD!"

**Jim:** "Shhh! Oh screw it. A PG Rated Disney movie, might as well put as much PG stuff in it as we can since it's not G."

**B.E.N.:** "All good teenagers, take off your clothes! Hey! Let's go to my place!"

**Jim:** "Um, you can at least buy me dinner first."

**B.E.N.:** "Nah, I mean, I really have to tinkle so, might as well."

**Jim:** "Ok, I'll go get Catbreath and Dogface."

_B.E.N.'s Place_

**Delbert:** _Carries in Amelia. _

**B.E.N.:** "Sorry I was gone for so long. #2 decided to pop out."

**Jim:** "Ew."

**Morph:** _Is brought back to life._ "WHEE! HAW HAW HAW!"

**Everyone:** _Groans._

**B.E.N.:** "HEY! Look! PIRATES! I will shout at them until they notice my annoying voice! YOOHOO BIG BOYS!"

**Jim:** _Gets disturbed and faints at what he sees. _

**Silver:** _Zips up trousers and shoos away The Author of the Story_ "Sorry, Jimbo. But who could resist a loffly girl like 'er?"

**Everyone:** _Raises arms._ "ME!"

**Author of The Story:** "The accent does it for me..." _Takes Silver's coat and runs off. _

**Jim:** _Comes down to have a formal parlay. _

**Morph:** _Zooms around Silver's head and chirps happily._

**Silver:** "Ay, Morphy! I t'ought ya exploded!" _Changes gears in arm and shoots him._

**Jim:** "Right. Ninyhoosers, we were both to careless to pick up the map, so it's still on the ship."

**Silver:** "Ah, lad. I'll let 'chya go get it and hide in B.E.N.'s stinkhole, waiting for ya. While I'm at it, I'll tie up the capt'n and doc and we'll all have a big party."

**Jim:** "You mean; I get to miss out on all of that to go get some stupid map?"

**Silver: **"Guess so, lad."

**Jim:** _Grumbles and walks off to go get it. _

_On The Ship_

**Jim:** "Since I'm to stupid to think Silver would keep someone here, I brought a loud, obnoxious robot."

**B.E.N.:** "PEE-LESBIAN-FART!"

**Jim:** _Sighs._ "I am so gonna die a virgin."

**Jim's Fangirl's:** "C'mon, Jim! It's as easy as 'insert tab A into slot B and repeat as nessecary'. But we're not sure if B.E.N. could please a girl."

**B.E.N.:** "HEY! It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean!"

**Scroop: **"You better hope so. SQUEE! JIMIKINS!"

**Jim:** "ACK!" _Runs. _

**Scroop:** _Chases him. _"COME GIMME A SMOOTCH!"

**Jim:** _Climbs up the mast. _

**Scroop:** _Follows him, hearts in his eyes._

**Jim:** _Kicks Scroop._

**Scroop:** "Near, far, wherever you are..." _Floats away into space._

**B.E.N.:** "What a slashy spider."

**Jim:** "Very".

_B.E.N.'s Place _

**Jim and B.E.N.:** _Walks in._

**Silver:** _Dancing with three scandily clad girls. _

**Amelia and Delbert: **_Making out in a corner. _

**Jim:** _Faints._

**B.E.N.:** _Blinks a few times._ "Breathing in, breathing out...Hey! Do I see DORITOES?"

_Portal Area _

**Jim:** _Still unconcious._

**Delbert:** "Silver, who were those girls you were dancing with?"

**Silver:** "The Author of t'e story and a couple of 'er LiveJournal friends."

**Delbert:** "What's a LiveJournal?"

**Silver:** _Big, commercial grin._ "Why it's the bes' damn online diary on t'e internet!"

**Everyone:** _BIG GRIN _

_PLUG_

**Yes. Ahem. If you admins at LiveJournal want to send me money...or pocky, my address is:**

**McFakeLand, P.O. BOX 6969, FUCKSHITASSCOCKWHORE**


	6. So Much Of The Point and Laugh

_Portal Area _

**Everyone:** _Shoos away all the extra characters. _

**Silver: **_Puts back on hat and switches gears in arm to form a sword._ "C'mon, everyone! I smell-"

**Onus:** "Nothing! One great, stinking hunk of shitty shit shit!"

**Silver:** _Stuffs a bar of soap in Onus' mouth. _

**Onus:** _Spits it out._ "I wanna see some very bad, naughty, naughty language treasure!"

**Silver:** _Gasps, covers Jim's ears and hits Onus on the forehead with the palm of his hand. _"MAY THE DEVIL BE GONE! You shall not corrupt me bitch!"

**Jim:** _Gets dropped by Silver as he and Onus begin to fight and falls flat on his face._ "DABBIT! MY NODE!"

**Silver: **"Heh heh. Sorry lad."

**Onus:** "Where is the treasure, boy?"

**Fellow Crew Member:** "THROW HIM TO RICHARD SIMMONS!"

**Other Pirate**: "No one deserves that! He'll kill Jim and rape his skull!"

**Richard Simmons:** "Hehe. New fun holes!"

**Jim:** _Finds a hole in the metal and shoves the map into it and a portal opens._

**Jim:** "Lesse...dis looges aboot ribe."

**Silver:** "Speak english, lad!"

**Jim:** "I ab! If you dibn't drob me, I'b be ablge to tabe ribe!"

**Harry Potter:** _Zooms in and shoves his wand up_ _Jim's nose and wiggles it around._ "There you go, Jimmikins!"

**Jim:** "Why thank you, Harry! I'll just have to read all of your wonderful books and dedicate myself to the occult!"

**Harry Potter:** "Uh, my books don't promote that kinda stuff."

**Jim:** "NOT BECAUSE OF YOU, SOUP HEAD! Cause I wanna."

**Harry Potter:** "Okay then." _Runs away._

**Author of The Story:** "Yes, I already know Harry Potter Books don't promote anti-christian stuff and whatnot. I rather like the books, it's just fun to poke at things you like at times."

**Silver:** "Now get yer sweet ass outta here!" _Slaps The Author of The Story's bum. _

**Author of The Story:** "TEE TO THE POWER OF HEE!" _Runs away._

**Jim:** "Where were we?"

**Silver: **"I dunno."

**Jim: **"Well this just sucks major monkeys. Let's just shove the crew into The Callion Abyss and head off then."

**Silver:** "Yeah, alright."

**Jim and Silver:** _Push some buttons on the portal and push the crew into it. _"HAHA! POINT AND LAUGH!"

**Crew:** "AACK!"

**Jim:** _Changes it back to a different world._

**Jim and Silver:** _Running away, pointing and laughing as they go._


	7. A Very Merry Ending

_On The Ship _

_B.E.N.:_ "Quick! We only have a few more minutes left until the Bloomingdales sale closes-I mean until the planet explodes!"

**Jim and Silver:** _Hop on board _

**Silver:** "Aah, Capt'm! My heart aches just ta see yee-"

**Amelia:** "Shut your face, Silver."

**Silver:** "Heh heh."

_An asteroid goes through a solar sale and breaks mast causing it to fall onto Jim _

**Jim:** "OUCH! DAMMIT! I'm paralyzed!" _Flails arms _

**Delbert:** "Eh, Jimmy, if your moving your arms, you're clearly not paralyzed."

**Jim:** "Oh...right then!" _Shoves mast of of him in slow motion and throws if off the ship _

**Silver:** "It's time fer me to apply me medicine again." _Runs away into the galley _

**B.E.N.:** "Captain! Thrusters demobilized to only thirty percent of capacity!"

**Little Kids In The Audience:** "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

**Delbert:** "IT MEANS I WILL PISS UP YOUR SNOTTY NOSES IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!"

**Little Kids In The Audience:** _Not even a cricket chirps _

**Delbert:** "IT MEANS, Captain, we won't have enough power to clear the planet before it explodes!"

**Jim:** "I'm so smart, I'm the only one who thought of using the portal! WEHEHEHEHEE!" _Hops up and down _

**B.E.N.:** "No more sugar for you."

**Jim:** _Attempts to make a surfer _

**Silver:** _Comes out of the galley_ "Need help, Jimbo?"

**Jim:** "Yeah, I just need to attach these."

**Silver:** "Right! Stand back now!" _Switches arm to flame_ "T'ese arm thingies are so handy dandy." _Lifts it onto rail _

**Jim:** "Now, if I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer."

**Silver and Jim:** _Have a slashy moment that is not appropriate for you little kids _

**Little Kids In The Audience:** "MOMMY? ARE THEY MAKING BABIES?"

**Delbert:** "THAT'S IT!" _Jumps out of the screen and decapitates forty children, shitting down their throats._

**Everyone:** "Eeeew."

**Jim:** _Takes off, dodging all the debris_ "WEEE!" _Pushes button right after B.E.N.'s countdown _

**Silver:** "WOOT! Very dramatic, lad!"

**Amelia:** "LAWL FAG!"

_Space Port _

**Sarah:** _Looking around for Jim _

**Jim:** "Hey, Mum!"

**Sarah:** "YOU LITTLE ASS MUNCHER!" _Chokes him_ "MY INN BURNED DOWN BECAUSE OF THAT STUPID MAP!"

**Jim:** "AACK! GAAACK!"

_The Admirable Benbow Inn 2 _

**B.E.N.:** _Cries_ "Everyone has found love except for meeeeeee."

**Author of The Story:** "Well, B.E.N., Since Silver is happy with Jim, how bout you be my bitch?"

**B.E.N.:** "YAAAAAY!"

_And that's how it went, Delbert and Amelia got married, Jim and Silver broke the laws of science and had nine fat children with fancy hair, Sarah got a brain tumor and B.E.N. and Elfzilla drew lots of naughty pictures togethor. _

**THE FUCKING END**


End file.
